and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
