Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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