omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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