my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize