she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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