see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
