My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
