I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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