if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
