Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
