I will die if light touches me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
