Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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