hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
