I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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