my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
