I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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