Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
