i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
pop tarts are not kleenex
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
