I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
