I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
