Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
