Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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