Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
