he puts the penis in happiness.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
