Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
