how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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