it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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