We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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