I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
