Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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