I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
