I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
