I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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