im about as happy as oj after his trial
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize