Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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