Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
