I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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