So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
