I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
