I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
