Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
