Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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