yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
