period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize