I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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