i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
