To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
