Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Randomize
