at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
