Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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