I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
