her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
