even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize