p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
