I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
