Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
