Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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