Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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